ashleyd /

Tips for Returning to Work After Maternity Leave

It’s hard to believe that I have been a “working mom” for over a year and half. The journey has evolved a lot since my first day back. Even though I have a number of working mom role models in my life, including my mom and many of my closest friends, I wasn’t prepared for the anxiety that I experienced.  I remember wondering how I could go from spending all day with Katie to “only” having 3 hours per day with her Monday through Friday. I thought that Katie would forget about me and fall in love with her nanny. I worried that within months of returning to work I would realize I didn’t want to have a career.  Luckily, these feelings only lasted a few weeks before I found my groove and realized the value and impact that I can have by playing both roles – mother and career woman. However, looking back, there are many things that I did in advance of going back to work that helped with the transition but, overall, there are a few things I wish I had done differently.

This picture was taken after my first day back at work. I remember holding her closely and telling her that from this day on the evening hours from 5:30-7pm would be our precious time together. Guess what? These 90 minutes of park laughs and bath time splashes are still the moments I treasure with Katie daily. 

Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, people sitting, baby and closeup

Being a working mom is not for the faint of heart, but it is also an opportunity that I’m so grateful to have. I am able to role model for Katie that a strong, driven, passionate career woman can also be a loving, thoughtful and nurturing mother. It isn’t easy traveling to Arkansas, San Francisco, Cincinnati or China but constant communication and clear expectations with both my work team as well as Bo, has allowed our family and me to thrive. During my first year back at work I traveled an average of two days every other month and now it’s closer to three days per month. While I would always prefer to be with Katie and Bo, I have come to make priority calls on travel in order to ensure that it is worthwhile and make the most of the travel experiences both personally and professionally.

I said yes to the incredible opportunity to travel to China but said no to staying longer and touring the country. 

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing, night, sky and outdoor

Last week, when texting with my friend who is going back to work next week, I remembered the anxiety and overwhelming feelings that I experienced when I was in her shoes. In hopes to calm her nerves, I shared a few of my tips with her and then promised that I’d ask my followers for their tips as well.

Spoiler alert – Katie still loves me and has thrived in her nanny share situation. While she has a great nanny whom she loves and talks about, it hasn’t kept her from running towards me each night when I pick her up. 

Image may contain: 1 person, sitting, child, outdoor and closeup

Here are a few things that I share with friends and co-workers who are returning to work after becoming a parent.

  • Feel confident in your child care choice and then, once it is established, have your child start at least a week in advance of when you return to work. Katie only started 1-2 days early and I wished I’d had more time to run errands, relax and prepare.
  • Don’t spend a lot of money on your work wardrobe if your body is still evolving, but make sure you invest in a few pieces to give you confidence in your body NOW. Buy a few key pieces that you can feel confident in and then, invest in a few more pieces each month as your body changes. I bought 2 dresses, 2 blouses, 2 pairs of pants and some fun accessories from LOFT and Jcrew Factory before returning to work.  A great, new hair cut  and updated skin care routine or makeup can also help you feel your best.
  • Realize that it will take a village – you can’t nor should you try to do it all. Have a two way conversation with your significant other or support system talking about how you’ll manage different scenarios (train delays, illness, work travel, client dinners, etc).
  • Ask co-workers for tips. I firmly believe that some of the best advice can come from co-workers who work in your same office as they are aware of the workplace culture, insurance complexities, benefits, etc.
  • Read the book The Fifth Trimester and prepare to take notes, nod your head, highlight sections and want to find someone to talk about the topics with immediately. It was a GAME CHANGER and so helpful!
  • If you travel for work, talk with your partner or care giver about how you want to stay in touch with your child while traveling. For me, I loved watching Katie sleep and play in her nursery on our NEST camera and then also Facetiming with she and Bo in the morning right when she woke up. However, when grandparents were helping, I didn’t put technology pressure on them and instead asked for a few pictures via text each day. If Katie was with our nanny while I traveled then I asked her to send pictures throughout the day.
  • If you travel for work, set boundaries. It’s okay to go back to your room early and enjoying your first night of interrupted sleep. Nourish your body or mind by taking some time for you in between meetings by exercising, reading or doing whatever gives you energy.
  • Set expectations with your team if at all possible. For example, when I returned to work, I shared with my manager that I would be fully connected and available from 8:30 AM until 5:30 PM but from 7-8:30 AM and 5:30-7 PM I would be 100% disconnected and invested in my family. After 18 months back at work, I still stick with this schedule and have only once needed to flex and have a meeting during this time due to an urgent client need. Overall, everyone fully supported my “family time.”  Most days I work at least 30 minutes before Katie wakes up and at least 30 minutes in the evening after she goes to sleep, but I have come to really value our morning and evening routine as a family.
  • Figure out our plan and expectations as a couple for weeknight dinners.  The routine that has worked well for us is cooking a large meal on Sunday night that will provide leftovers for Monday night. Then we also food prep for Tuesday night dinner which will have leftovers on Wednesday. Most Thursday nights we either defrost something from the freezer, make a large dinner salad using ingredients in our fridge, or pick something up to grill such as turkey burgers and vegetables.

Now that I’ve shared my tips, I wanted to share the very helpful recommendations that followers shared after seeing my Instagram question last Friday. Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback as I learned a few new things from you guys and have made note of some that I’ll make sure to share with friends and apply in the future should Bo and I have a second child.

What is the one thing you wish you’d known or done when returning to work after baby?

  • @mollylauf: I wish I had read the Fifth Trimester earlier before returning to work. I wish I had started the nanny one week earlier so I could practice the morning routine a few times and had a few days to myself to catch up on appointments. I wish I had listened to more podcasts and read more stories of women in similar roles. I wish I had joined Chairman Mom sooner.
  • @bentfish2: Make sure you are 100% comfortable with the child care you have set up and then trust and know that your child will be OK and will likely thrive. Also, enjoy the ability to eat lunch in peace and maybe even get to the gym/workout. After work, put the phone away and just BE with your child and family.
  • @cmorey19: I wish I wasn’t so focused on pumping and getting the exact right ounces to leave for my son. We were already supplementing with formula so why did I put so much pressure on myself?
  • @stephgerbers: Don’t apologize for needing time to pump or needing a break. Don’t apologize for being tired or overwhelmed.
  • @emrcarl: Frozen meals and UberEats are a life saver. Don’t pressure yourself to cook every night.
  • @swissclarko: One thing I did and was very glad of was I progressively did the child car handover including a full day before I went back to work. I was able to go to the spa and ran errands but this helped with the transition so the first day at work was easier.
  • @drteplinsky: Make sure your child care is flexible at end of day in case you are running late. Pump in the car if you can.
  • @kfeldhouse: Don’t jump back in full time for the first few weeks. Do a gradual transition back. Maybe half days the first week, then add a few more hours the second week, then if you’re feeling ready go back full time in week 3.
  • @heatherdyetimm: Start back with partial weeks.
  • @carly.zhang: The biggest advice I would suggest is taking a lot of time and going with your instict to select the best childcare you feel good about. What I know in hindsight is that working mom life is a great one. I felt fulfilled by work and happier. When I was with my child, I spent more quality time with him.
  • @jhro216: I wish I’d felt more okay taking a day off work but still sending my son to daycare. In those early months when I was learning to balance everything, taking a weekday for myself to grocery shop, clean and decompress would have been amazing. I didn’t get into that habit until he was 1.
  • @susie22salcetti: Plan ahead as much as you can in the evenings to minimize the scramble to get out the door in the morning.
  • @atthewood: Start daycare/nanny a week early so you have time to get used to it and be productive before you go back to work.
  • @takingback20s: Give yourself time to get back in the groove and don’t worry about a think but yourself and your baby. Working out, healthy eating and top job performance can wait those first few weeks while you adjust. I think a lot of people expect to just pick up where they left off and that’s nearly impossible if you’re sleep deprived.
  • @aglasser710: Give yourself some race. I went back expecting work life to be just like it was before baby. It’s not – you’re different and sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack. Take care of yourself and give yourself a break sometimes. You’ll be a much better employee and mom because of it.
  • @stephdooley814: Dry shampoo. But in all reality, just know it will get better each day even if it doesn’t seem like it.
  • @mca_ali: I wish I’d known that my daughter would be okay and thrive going to daycare and that I would be a better mom having a little space.
  • @kbalantekin: Don’t have super high expectations for how much you’ll get done especially if you’re pumping.
  • @bananniemcg: I wish I had set more boundaries. My team were great and so flexible but I felt pressure to be super flexible too and working extra hours/evenings just did not work well with having a baby and nursing.
  • @lbiz12: Read the book the Fifth Trimester and do a few dry runs of daycare/nanny in advance.
  • @emilymstroup: I wish I would’ve started my daughter at daycare a few days before going back to work instead of the same day. I had so much anxiety about how she would do (she did fine) but starting her on the same day gave me anxiety.
  • @merwharton: I wish I had taken more time off. I am also glad I made weekends a priority with my family and eased back into my work schedule.
  • @ccdrew417: Ease in the first week. Try to go back on a Wednesday or work reduced hours if possible.
  • @duddes02: Get an extra pump and leave it at work.
  • @emjelosa: Know it is going to be hard, no matter what. Read the Fifth Trimester. Don’t hide or be ashamed if you’re pumping. Really think through and plan your routine and organize your pumping parts and milk. If hiring a nanny, have them start a few days in advance. Have snacks at work to keep your milk supply up in case you can’t go out to grab snacks. Drink lots of water. Get the Elvie pump as it’s super helpful. Know your baby will not forget about you. Keep telling yourself that you are setting a good example of a powerful, independent women for your baby.  Don’t feel guilty if you get busy and don’t think about your baby every minute of the day. Weekends are sacred. Quality time with your baby over quantity. Bring pictures to work so you don’t have to pull your phone out while working.
  • @brittney_ac: Don’t stress about sleep/naps at daycare/nanny as they will figure it out.
  • @caseshan21: I was surprised that some people didn’t ask about my baby and they have kids.
  • @gretchenfox: Don’t rush back in too fast and burn out.
  • @melissakate_hanson: Set expectations with partner and boss for handling the inevitable sick days.
  • @laurfischer: Make your first day back towards the end of the week to ease your way back into work.
  • @erindanielson715: Your level of efficiency at work post baby will be better than ever before.
  • @shoshanadavis: It’s okay to feel not okay. It one of the hardest things to do.
  • @megking25: I wish I’d known that I’d change my mind about going back to work and that would be okay.
  • @vtbuker: I wish I’d known to manage my own expectations.
  • @skrmaine: Figure out a meal prep system to avoid takeout/unhealthy choices at the end of the day when you’re tired.
  • @ellebelleruns: Ask for a modified schedule or part time.
  • @chloebirchlerrd: Do a dry-run day care day or two and go do something for YOU. As a working mom, I feel guilty leaving my babe more than a work hours but, use the time if you need it.
  • @dawnerswife: There is no rush. Enjoy the baby phase and delay going back or work part time if possible.

What tips would you add to this list?

Share Button
Follow:
ashleyd /

One Year Later: What We Learned During A Year of Parenthood

I still can’t believe that this morning, when Katie wakes up, we will sing Happy Birthday to her and begin celebrating her FIRST birthday.

It has been such a joy being her parents and while there have of course been challenges along the way, it has been the best year of our life.

Last night during dinner, Bo and I reflected on a few of our favorite moments and what we’ve learned along the way. Please keep in mind that the below is only based on our experience and perspective. Every child, parent and family is unique. My experience is based on that with a partner and my heart goes out to those who do it alone as I have so much respect and awe for all that you carry on your shoulders. Your child is blessed and so lucky to have you!

What We’ve Learned

  • Babies are resilient. The first few weeks that she was home, we worried non-stop about everything and anything. As the year has progressed, we’ve both evolved to a parenting style that is far more relaxed in certain aspects. Our pediatrician told us that “babies are sent home with first time parents every single day” which helped us realize that we weren’t the only ones on a steep learning curve.
  • Be forgiving to yourself and others. You can easily beat yourself up about almost every aspect of parenthood. The guilt can start as early as the birth experience or pregnancy and continue as you find your rhythm as a parent. So many things will challenge you along the way – nursing, schedules, their health, work life balance, your new routine – that it is easy to find yourself in a trap. The best thing that Bo and I have been able to do this year is to forgive each other for the hiccups along the way, learn from them and give ourselves and our loved one’s grace.
  • Support your support system. I can’t imagine this past year alone. Bo has truly been my partner and support system every step of the way. But, we can’t be there fore Katie or each other if we are drained and our “cup is empty.”  Make sure to support and encourage each other to take time away to refresh and energize whether that is a weekly workout class, music lesson, long walk or time with friends. Keep in mind that your support system often goes beyond your partner. It can include grandparents, care takers and others.
  • Parenting is 10x harder without team work. Bo and I communicate more than ever before. We have to plan time to connect and talk about our work weeks, social engagements, internal and external stressors and our concerns. There have been two major “speed bumps” during the past year and those both came when we’d stopped connecting and talking. We were out of sync and not working as a team.  Luckily, our schedules allow us to spend the mornings together and this is when we typically connect. We will review what is on our mind, whether it is something causing us anxiety like a work deadline or something bringing us joy. We share a calendar that has EVERY single event in it from conference calls to workout dates. We have all of Katie’s appointments, leaps, milestones and reminders in that calendar as well so we are aware and prepared. We check in via text a few times during every work day just to make sure plans haven’t changed. Since I work from home, we are lucky that I can take Katie to nanny share and pick her up most days without any issue. But, when I travel or I have meetings that force our schedule to change, we work through this by planning not only with each other but also our nanny and family, who often steps in to help. Both our parents have been a large part of the team work as they’ve sacrificed their personal schedules to step in and help last minute. While we typically pay for their flights from Savannah to New York, it still takes time out of their personal lives and schedule to help us balance work and Katie. We are so thankful for their support this year. You all know that we do not have family immediately in the New York area but we are lucky to have family in Southern New Jersey who would always be here in case of emergency and friends locally who have evolved into friends who feel like family. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers or people in your “mom-tribe” bring those people into your circle of team work and thank them constantly.
  • Make 20 copies of your key. Okay, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but we’ve had a few instances when we needed a spare key and were left high and dry. A year later, we’ve realized that the best option for us seems to be to have two spare keys in lock boxes, 3-4 close friends with a spare key, a spare key at our office and with our nanny. We also have realized that it would be very convenient to make a key chain for each sets of the parents or guests and have it in the spare bedroom to welcome them along with their towels and toiletries.
  • Realize that everything is a phase. Every single aspect of Katie’s first year has been a phase – the newborn state, the sleepless nights, the colds, the teething, the clingy phase – you name it. Keeping this in mind for both the good things and tough things definitely help keep things in perspective and make you savor those chest naps, cuddles and smiles.
  • Focus on what is best for OUR FAMILY, not others.  Parenthood is no different than the rest of life – it is easy to fall into the comparison trap. Over the past year I’ve actually found myself in a better place than before.  Every child is different and every parent and family is unique.
  • You will never regret the time you spend with your child. Neither of us have regretted the time we’ve invested in Katie. Whether it’s rescheduling a social engagement, putting our phones and distractions away or delaying a morning workout for some extra play time or cuddles it has always been worth it.
  • Find a babysitter sooner versus later. We have been able to enjoy one evening away each month to focus on our relationship and this would not be possible without a network of babysitters. It seems like most of my more experienced parent friends say that 3 reliable baby sitters is the magic number as inevitably a few of them will always be booked or have other plans when you text.  We found our baby sitters through friends and the local Brooklyn parent Facebook group.  Also, plan your date nights or time away in advance versus waiting for when you feel you need to get away. If you wait, it’ll often be too late and no one will be available.

I’ll be back later to share some pictures from the year as well as our birthday celebrations!

In the meantime, here are a few of the most popular posts about Katie this year:

Share Button
Follow:
ashleyd /

Balancing Motherhood and Friendships

The parenthood journey is an interesting one. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, almost everywhere I turned for information discussed the challenges and adjustments that would come with the joy of becoming a parent. I have a virtual bookshelf and actual bookshelf filled with books that talk about nurturing your child, nurturing my body during pregnancy, balancing the fifth trimester and helping your baby thrive via a schedule but no where is there a book that talks about maintaining friendships after becoming a parent.

Image may contain: plant and outdoor

Over the past eight months, since becoming a mother, this is one of the things that has caused me the most guilt. Today, a friend summarized my emotion in an email

Ashley, as much as you love motherhood, I can imagine that you miss time out with friends.

Don’t get me wrong. When I see Facebook memories from years past pop-up on my computer, it isn’t the late nights out dancing, happy hours, fancy dinners or the carefree weekends that I miss. What I miss is the quality time with girlfriends who have seen me through thick and thin over the years. I wish that I could have a relaxed dinner with each of the incredible women in the pictures below, and so many others, who I desperately want to stay in touch with as I navigate this new chapter.

Image may contain: 4 people, including Kerrie Baker, people smiling

Image may contain: 8 people, including Zoë Meskell, Kayla Kleinman, Evann Clingan, Melissa Giovinazzo and Ashley Koehn, people smiling, people sitting, table, shoes and indoor

Image may contain: 2 people

Image may contain: 2 people, including Theodora Blanchfield

Even though I can “follow” along with their life via Instagram or Instagram stories, I miss being part of those memories and supporting them.  I feel like I haven’t been able to find the balance of being a mother, balancing a demanding career, being a wife and also being a good friend – especially for those friends who do not have children. In fact, the journey of parenthood has brought my closer to a few lifelong friends and new friends as we’ve texted with each other late at night about the surprises and adventures along the way. Those are the people who I text at 2 AM asking what in the world I can do for teething or when trying to figure out how many layers of clothing is too many when it feels like -12 degrees. But, along the way, I feel as if I’ve struggled to support my friends who aren’t parents.  I’ve struggled to figure out how to best support each of my friends; whether it’s dealing with the grief roller coaster after losing a parent, celebrating engagements and promotions, or letting them vent after a difficult week.

Not all friendships will survive the transition, as bestselling author Heidi Murkoff writes in her classic book, What to Expect the First Year. “Friendships that are only job deep (or partying deep) often don’t have what it takes to survive change.”

I thought, perhaps, that I was alone in this struggle since it’s so rarely discussed. But, when I requested suggestions last night on Instagram, I received a number of responses from people saying that even years after having children, they’ve struggled to stay in touch with even the closest of friends.

It turns out I’m not alone. Many new moms find themselves feeling isolated and struggling to find ways to connect with their single or childless friends. – Michal Conger

Since so many people engaged on this topic, I thought it would be beneficial to share some of the suggestions I received and articles I found helpful.

  • A few people recommended planning a weekly workout or running date with your non-mom friends especially if you used to do this before becoming a parent. I love this idea and as a part of my goal to do yoga more often, I’ve emailed a few of my friends letting them know that I’m trying to practice yoga a few times a month and hope they’ll join me. I’m also hoping to run with friends at least once per month since last weekend’s race made me realize how much I miss this! 
  • Another reader shared that she has flexibility to plan lunches during her work day, which makes it easier and more predictable.
  • Choose a day that works for your friends and try to have a girls night once per month – then challenge yourself not to talk about your child(ren) unless someone asks. Remember that there is more to your life than your child. Use this as an opportunity to practice disconnecting from your role as a mother.
  • When traveling, use taxi time to the airport as a great chance to catch up with a friend or family member. Or, instead of watching tv in the hotel after a work dinner, text a friend for a long over-due catch up date.
  • Invite friends over to the house for a wine & dessert date once a month which means you don’t have to find a babysitter but can still catch up with friends.
  • Dedicate more than just an hour to catching up with friends especially if it’s a group. One mom shared that the first month she organized drinks with girlfriends and realized that an hour wasn’t enough time to chat with each woman there and left feeling more guilty than she’d arrived.
  • Be willing to pay for a babysitter so they know that they are a priority and enjoy a non-child activity whether it’s a manicure & pedicure data or a fun dinner.
  • If you have a hard time finding time that works for friends due to each other’s schedules, remember that text messages, emails and phone work well too. Send a friend a random note letting them know you’re thinking about them and just ask about life, work, their family, their love life, etc. Don’t wait to hear from them – be pro-active!
  • Friendship CPR – This short article stresses the importance of being realistic and also realizing that strong friendships can be repaired and rebuilt.
  • 7 Ways to Keep Your Friendships Strong After Babies – Your friendships can grow and flourish through this huge period of change, if you just put a little thought into it.

Since reading everyone’s recommendations, here are the things that I did almost immediately:

  • I talked with Bo and chose three evenings this month that he will be home by 7pm to watch Katie. So far I’ve decided to enjoy yoga with a few friends one night, dinner with a few friends another night and have an additional night that I’ll hopefully have a long overdue one on one evening with a good friend. Since he also has some dear friends he’d like to stay in touch with, he is doing the same and has chosen two evenings this month that he’ll do dinner with a good friend.
  • I sent a few text messages to friends who I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and just said hello and checked in with them.
  • I emailed a few of my running friends, in hopes of doing another race or long run this month while enjoying their company and brunch or coffee afterwards!
  • Since a few of our friends love children and are always asking to spend more time with Katie, we reminded friends that our home is an open door and invited them to join for dinner or weekend fun at any time. This weekend one of my closest friends from college is coming to visit and specifically requested some time with Katie.

If you’ve experienced the struggle of balancing friendships after children, I’d appreciate any tips or thoughts. 

Share Button
Follow: