The parenthood journey is an interesting one. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, almost everywhere I turned for information discussed the challenges and adjustments that would come with the joy of becoming a parent. I have a virtual bookshelf and actual bookshelf filled with books that talk about nurturing your child, nurturing my body during pregnancy, balancing the fifth trimester and helping your baby thrive via a schedule but no where is there a book that talks about maintaining friendships after becoming a parent.

Over the past eight months, since becoming a mother, this is one of the things that has caused me the most guilt. Today, a friend summarized my emotion in an email

Ashley, as much as you love motherhood, I can imagine that you miss time out with friends.

Don’t get me wrong. When I see Facebook memories from years past pop-up on my computer, it isn’t the late nights out dancing, happy hours, fancy dinners or the carefree weekends that I miss. What I miss is the quality time with girlfriends who have seen me through thick and thin over the years. I wish that I could have a relaxed dinner with each of the incredible women in the pictures below, and so many others, who I desperately want to stay in touch with as I navigate this new chapter.

Even though I can “follow” along with their life via Instagram or Instagram stories, I miss being part of those memories and supporting them.  I feel like I haven’t been able to find the balance of being a mother, balancing a demanding career, being a wife and also being a good friend – especially for those friends who do not have children. In fact, the journey of parenthood has brought my closer to a few lifelong friends and new friends as we’ve texted with each other late at night about the surprises and adventures along the way. Those are the people who I text at 2 AM asking what in the world I can do for teething or when trying to figure out how many layers of clothing is too many when it feels like -12 degrees. But, along the way, I feel as if I’ve struggled to support my friends who aren’t parents.  I’ve struggled to figure out how to best support each of my friends; whether it’s dealing with the grief roller coaster after losing a parent, celebrating engagements and promotions, or letting them vent after a difficult week.

Not all friendships will survive the transition, as bestselling author Heidi Murkoff writes in her classic book, What to Expect the First Year. “Friendships that are only job deep (or partying deep) often don’t have what it takes to survive change.”

I thought, perhaps, that I was alone in this struggle since it’s so rarely discussed. But, when I requested suggestions last night on Instagram, I received a number of responses from people saying that even years after having children, they’ve struggled to stay in touch with even the closest of friends.

It turns out I’m not alone. Many new moms find themselves feeling isolated and struggling to find ways to connect with their single or childless friends. – Michal Conger

Since so many people engaged on this topic, I thought it would be beneficial to share some of the suggestions I received and articles I found helpful.

• A few people recommended planning a weekly workout or running date with your non-mom friends especially if you used to do this before becoming a parent. I love this idea and as a part of my goal to do yoga more often, I’ve emailed a few of my friends letting them know that I’m trying to practice yoga a few times a month and hope they’ll join me. I’m also hoping to run with friends at least once per month since last weekend’s race made me realize how much I miss this! 
• Another reader shared that she has flexibility to plan lunches during her work day, which makes it easier and more predictable.
• Choose a day that works for your friends and try to have a girls night once per month – then challenge yourself not to talk about your child(ren) unless someone asks. Remember that there is more to your life than your child. Use this as an opportunity to practice disconnecting from your role as a mother.
• When traveling, use taxi time to the airport as a great chance to catch up with a friend or family member. Or, instead of watching tv in the hotel after a work dinner, text a friend for a long over-due catch up date.
• Invite friends over to the house for a wine & dessert date once a month which means you don’t have to find a babysitter but can still catch up with friends.
• Dedicate more than just an hour to catching up with friends especially if it’s a group. One mom shared that the first month she organized drinks with girlfriends and realized that an hour wasn’t enough time to chat with each woman there and left feeling more guilty than she’d arrived.
• Be willing to pay for a babysitter so they know that they are a priority and enjoy a non-child activity whether it’s a manicure & pedicure data or a fun dinner.
• If you have a hard time finding time that works for friends due to each other’s schedules, remember that text messages, emails and phone work well too. Send a friend a random note letting them know you’re thinking about them and just ask about life, work, their family, their love life, etc. Don’t wait to hear from them – be pro-active!
• Friendship CPR – This short article stresses the importance of being realistic and also realizing that strong friendships can be repaired and rebuilt.
• 7 Ways to Keep Your Friendships Strong After Babies – Your friendships can grow and flourish through this huge period of change, if you just put a little thought into it.

Since reading everyone’s recommendations, here are the things that I did almost immediately:

• I talked with Bo and chose three evenings this month that he will be home by 7pm to watch Katie. So far I’ve decided to enjoy yoga with a few friends one night, dinner with a few friends another night and have an additional night that I’ll hopefully have a long overdue one on one evening with a good friend. Since he also has some dear friends he’d like to stay in touch with, he is doing the same and has chosen two evenings this month that he’ll do dinner with a good friend.
• I sent a few text messages to friends who I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and just said hello and checked in with them.
• I emailed a few of my running friends, in hopes of doing another race or long run this month while enjoying their company and brunch or coffee afterwards!
• Since a few of our friends love children and are always asking to spend more time with Katie, we reminded friends that our home is an open door and invited them to join for dinner or weekend fun at any time. This weekend one of my closest friends from college is coming to visit and specifically requested some time with Katie.

If you’ve experienced the struggle of balancing friendships after children, I’d appreciate any tips or thoughts.