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Balancing Motherhood and Friendships

The parenthood journey is an interesting one. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, almost everywhere I turned for information discussed the challenges and adjustments that would come with the joy of becoming a parent. I have a virtual bookshelf and actual bookshelf filled with books that talk about nurturing your child, nurturing my body during pregnancy, balancing the fifth trimester and helping your baby thrive via a schedule but no where is there a book that talks about maintaining friendships after becoming a parent.

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Over the past eight months, since becoming a mother, this is one of the things that has caused me the most guilt. Today, a friend summarized my emotion in an email

Ashley, as much as you love motherhood, I can imagine that you miss time out with friends.

Don’t get me wrong. When I see Facebook memories from years past pop-up on my computer, it isn’t the late nights out dancing, happy hours, fancy dinners or the carefree weekends that I miss. What I miss is the quality time with girlfriends who have seen me through thick and thin over the years. I wish that I could have a relaxed dinner with each of the incredible women in the pictures below, and so many others, who I desperately want to stay in touch with as I navigate this new chapter.

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Even though I can “follow” along with their life via Instagram or Instagram stories, I miss being part of those memories and supporting them.  I feel like I haven’t been able to find the balance of being a mother, balancing a demanding career, being a wife and also being a good friend – especially for those friends who do not have children. In fact, the journey of parenthood has brought my closer to a few lifelong friends and new friends as we’ve texted with each other late at night about the surprises and adventures along the way. Those are the people who I text at 2 AM asking what in the world I can do for teething or when trying to figure out how many layers of clothing is too many when it feels like -12 degrees. But, along the way, I feel as if I’ve struggled to support my friends who aren’t parents.  I’ve struggled to figure out how to best support each of my friends; whether it’s dealing with the grief roller coaster after losing a parent, celebrating engagements and promotions, or letting them vent after a difficult week.

Not all friendships will survive the transition, as bestselling author Heidi Murkoff writes in her classic book, What to Expect the First Year. “Friendships that are only job deep (or partying deep) often don’t have what it takes to survive change.”

I thought, perhaps, that I was alone in this struggle since it’s so rarely discussed. But, when I requested suggestions last night on Instagram, I received a number of responses from people saying that even years after having children, they’ve struggled to stay in touch with even the closest of friends.

It turns out I’m not alone. Many new moms find themselves feeling isolated and struggling to find ways to connect with their single or childless friends. – Michal Conger

Since so many people engaged on this topic, I thought it would be beneficial to share some of the suggestions I received and articles I found helpful.

  • A few people recommended planning a weekly workout or running date with your non-mom friends especially if you used to do this before becoming a parent. I love this idea and as a part of my goal to do yoga more often, I’ve emailed a few of my friends letting them know that I’m trying to practice yoga a few times a month and hope they’ll join me. I’m also hoping to run with friends at least once per month since last weekend’s race made me realize how much I miss this! 
  • Another reader shared that she has flexibility to plan lunches during her work day, which makes it easier and more predictable.
  • Choose a day that works for your friends and try to have a girls night once per month – then challenge yourself not to talk about your child(ren) unless someone asks. Remember that there is more to your life than your child. Use this as an opportunity to practice disconnecting from your role as a mother.
  • When traveling, use taxi time to the airport as a great chance to catch up with a friend or family member. Or, instead of watching tv in the hotel after a work dinner, text a friend for a long over-due catch up date.
  • Invite friends over to the house for a wine & dessert date once a month which means you don’t have to find a babysitter but can still catch up with friends.
  • Dedicate more than just an hour to catching up with friends especially if it’s a group. One mom shared that the first month she organized drinks with girlfriends and realized that an hour wasn’t enough time to chat with each woman there and left feeling more guilty than she’d arrived.
  • Be willing to pay for a babysitter so they know that they are a priority and enjoy a non-child activity whether it’s a manicure & pedicure data or a fun dinner.
  • If you have a hard time finding time that works for friends due to each other’s schedules, remember that text messages, emails and phone work well too. Send a friend a random note letting them know you’re thinking about them and just ask about life, work, their family, their love life, etc. Don’t wait to hear from them – be pro-active!
  • Friendship CPR – This short article stresses the importance of being realistic and also realizing that strong friendships can be repaired and rebuilt.
  • 7 Ways to Keep Your Friendships Strong After Babies – Your friendships can grow and flourish through this huge period of change, if you just put a little thought into it.

Since reading everyone’s recommendations, here are the things that I did almost immediately:

  • I talked with Bo and chose three evenings this month that he will be home by 7pm to watch Katie. So far I’ve decided to enjoy yoga with a few friends one night, dinner with a few friends another night and have an additional night that I’ll hopefully have a long overdue one on one evening with a good friend. Since he also has some dear friends he’d like to stay in touch with, he is doing the same and has chosen two evenings this month that he’ll do dinner with a good friend.
  • I sent a few text messages to friends who I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and just said hello and checked in with them.
  • I emailed a few of my running friends, in hopes of doing another race or long run this month while enjoying their company and brunch or coffee afterwards!
  • Since a few of our friends love children and are always asking to spend more time with Katie, we reminded friends that our home is an open door and invited them to join for dinner or weekend fun at any time. This weekend one of my closest friends from college is coming to visit and specifically requested some time with Katie.

If you’ve experienced the struggle of balancing friendships after children, I’d appreciate any tips or thoughts. 

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Introducing Solids and Katie’s Favorite Foods

Katie Babybjorn Bib

These days, one of the most frequent questions I receive via email and Instagram stories, is how we introduced Katie to food and how she enjoys it.  Please keep in mind, what I’m sharing here is what worked for us but there are many different perspectives and options. Similar to starting a new exercise routine, it’s important to consult your child’s pediatrician before starting solid foods.

Introducing Katie to solid foods has been easier and more fun than Bo and I expected.

As you may recall, when Katie turned three months old, I stopped pumping and since then she has exclusively eaten Similac Sensitive.  She has thrived on this formula, which we order once a month from either Walmart or Amazon, depending on the price.  Around the time Katie was four months old, we realized that we should start doing research on solid foods. Every book, article or person that we spoke with recommended introducing babies to solid foods between the age of four and six months.  Some methods recommended starting with a pureed fruit or vegetable, while other sources suggested adding baby cereal or other grain to formula or breast milk. Neither Bo nor I wanted to start with baby cereal or fruit, instead choosing a vegetable. After both our pediatrician and a few friends recommended sweet potatoes as a first food, we decided that Thanksgiving weekend would be the perfect opportunity.

I remember the moment as if it was yesterday. An hour after her afternoon bottle was done, Bo and I held Katie in my lap and gave her a small spoonful of sweet potato. We’d roasted the sweet potato in preparation for making sweet potato casserole, one of my favorite Thanksgiving side dishes.  We both waited with baited breath, hoping she wouldn’t have any adverse reactions and would somehow signal that she wanted another bite. I was surprised by the fact that I actually got emotional. I remember tearing up because this was just one more signal that our little girl was growing up faster than I ever imagined.  After three small spoonfuls, Katie was giggling and smiling, loving every bit. We kept an eye on her that evening but luckily she didn’t have any negative reactions.

We introduced new foods very slowly in the beginning, following the baby feeding guide in Beaba Baby Cookbook. Between Thanksgiving and New Years, we tried each of the below foods, always allowing 2-3 days before introducing the next one.

  • Sweet potato
  • Peach
  • Banana
  • Apple
  • Pear
  • Carrot
  • Broccoli
  • Green Beans
  • AvocadoBeaba Baby Food

For the first month, we only gave her solids after her 4pm bottle as a way to get her accustomed to sitting in a high chair and eating from a spoon. By mid-December, the schedule we’ve followed, Mom’s On Call, recommended that she have solid foods three times per day (8 AM, 12PM and 4PM) so by this point we were laughing and making a mess with her three times a day on the weekends and our nanny gives her solids at 12pm and 4pm.  We also tended to only give her one or two types of food at a time. For example, she may have a small portion of peas and then have a small portion of avocado. We also started reducing her formula to 7 ounces instead of 8 ounces during the day.

Now that she is 8 months old, we’ve had a great time making her recipes from the cookbook which combine multiple foods. For example, she loves eating Autumn Chicken (chicken, potato, butternut squash & olive oil), carrot apple and potato soup, and Mini Mama’s Meatballs (turkey meatballs from the Beaba cookbook).  We also allow her to try small pieces of whatever we are eating, making sure that it is soft enough for her to gum and that it is cut into pea-size piece.

In order to take the guess work out of giving her solids, each Sunday I take 30-45 minutes to organize her food for the week.  In addition to the food I prepare in the Beaba, we also always keep YoBaby Plain yogurt, shredded cheddar cheese, eggs and avocado in the house for easy, last minute food options. Here is a glimpse at what she ate today:

  • 8am – 3 ounces scrambled eggs with salt & pepper and 1 Sweet Potato Chicken Meatball (Moving forward, per all the great info I received from you all, I will not add salt to season her food.)
  • 12pm – 3 ounces scrambled eggs with salt & pepper and 3 ounces of pureed pears (Moving forward, per all the great info I received from you all, I will not add salt to season her food.)
  • 4pm – 3 ounces of sweet potatoes and cinnamon and 3 ounces of pureed banana and apples

Here is a list of the things we’ve loved during this journey:

Your turn: If you’ve been through this process before, any tips or tricks? Favorite food that your baby loved?

Thank you to Beaba Babycook for sending us your amazing products. As always, all opinions our my own and we’ve loved their products so much that we’ve bought accessories and even given two friends a Beabacook for their shower! 

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Baby Favorites – First Six Months & Money Saving Tips

This weekend alone, three different friends asked for baby registry recommendations as they are expecting little ones this Spring. While I’ve included our favorite items in each of my monthly recaps, I wanted to compile our favorite items in one easy-to-reference and share list. While this list is in no means exhaustive, these are the items that we’ve used daily and many of them have traveled with us to Vermont, Georgia and Ohio.

Registry Favorites

While we were lucky enough to receive many of the below items during our two baby showers, a few of these items we bought on our own after she was born. Baby items are often expensive and certain ones are only enjoyed for a few months – if that! Over the past few months, we’ve discovered a few ways to save money when buying baby items.

Money Saving Tips

  • Almost every item on this list is carried at BuyBuyBaby. Did you know that their amazing 20% and $10 off coupons can be stacked and can be used online or in-store? Every time you receive one in the mail or email you can add it to your app so that you can easily reference it the next time you need something! There are a few brands, like Uppababy, that aren’t always included in the discount.
  • Recently we discovered that Uppababy is included in many Macys,  Saks,  and Bloomingdales promotions! For example, a few weeks ago many of their items were 25% off! If you have your eye on Nuna products, one reader let me know that they were 40% off in the last Nordstrom Half Yearly sale!
  • Don’t forget about places like Marshalls, TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack and outlets for great deals on baby items especially clothing and toys! We bought most of Katie’s pajamas and outfits from the Carter’s outlets and I recently saw that our local Nordstrom Rack carries an assortment of Skiphop, Little Giraffe and Fisher-Price items!
  • RueLaLa has a baby section on their site and this weekend BabyBjorn and many other brands are included for AMAZING prices!
  • Surprisingly, Amazon is often not the cheapest place for many of these items. Whether you’re buying a gift for someone or shopping for yourself, search the item in Google first before buying!
  • Check out your local mom’s group on Facebook to see whether people are selling lightly used items. While I’m not a fan of buying used teething items or toys, we were able to find bottles, humidifier and Bumbo on our local group. This is also a great way to sell items after you’re done using them!

Our Favorite Items

If you have any questions about the items below or there is a category I forgot, just let me know!

Your turn:  If you’re a parent, what was on your list of baby favorites the first year, or even better, what do you think Katie will love for months 7-12?

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