One Year Later: What We Learned During A Year of Parenthood

I still can’t believe that this morning, when Katie wakes up, we will sing Happy Birthday to her and begin celebrating her FIRST birthday.

It has been such a joy being her parents and while there have of course been challenges along the way, it has been the best year of our life.

Last night during dinner, Bo and I reflected on a few of our favorite moments and what we’ve learned along the way. Please keep in mind that the below is only based on our experience and perspective. Every child, parent and family is unique. My experience is based on that with a partner and my heart goes out to those who do it alone as I have so much respect and awe for all that you carry on your shoulders. Your child is blessed and so lucky to have you!

What We’ve Learned

• Babies are resilient. The first few weeks that she was home, we worried non-stop about everything and anything. As the year has progressed, we’ve both evolved to a parenting style that is far more relaxed in certain aspects. Our pediatrician told us that “babies are sent home with first time parents every single day” which helped us realize that we weren’t the only ones on a steep learning curve.
• Be forgiving to yourself and others. You can easily beat yourself up about almost every aspect of parenthood. The guilt can start as early as the birth experience or pregnancy and continue as you find your rhythm as a parent. So many things will challenge you along the way – nursing, schedules, their health, work life balance, your new routine – that it is easy to find yourself in a trap. The best thing that Bo and I have been able to do this year is to forgive each other for the hiccups along the way, learn from them and give ourselves and our loved one’s grace.
• Support your support system. I can’t imagine this past year alone. Bo has truly been my partner and support system every step of the way. But, we can’t be there fore Katie or each other if we are drained and our “cup is empty.”  Make sure to support and encourage each other to take time away to refresh and energize whether that is a weekly workout class, music lesson, long walk or time with friends. Keep in mind that your support system often goes beyond your partner. It can include grandparents, care takers and others.
• Parenting is 10x harder without team work. Bo and I communicate more than ever before. We have to plan time to connect and talk about our work weeks, social engagements, internal and external stressors and our concerns. There have been two major “speed bumps” during the past year and those both came when we’d stopped connecting and talking. We were out of sync and not working as a team.  Luckily, our schedules allow us to spend the mornings together and this is when we typically connect. We will review what is on our mind, whether it is something causing us anxiety like a work deadline or something bringing us joy. We share a calendar that has EVERY single event in it from conference calls to workout dates. We have all of Katie’s appointments, leaps, milestones and reminders in that calendar as well so we are aware and prepared. We check in via text a few times during every work day just to make sure plans haven’t changed. Since I work from home, we are lucky that I can take Katie to nanny share and pick her up most days without any issue. But, when I travel or I have meetings that force our schedule to change, we work through this by planning not only with each other but also our nanny and family, who often steps in to help. Both our parents have been a large part of the team work as they’ve sacrificed their personal schedules to step in and help last minute. While we typically pay for their flights from Savannah to New York, it still takes time out of their personal lives and schedule to help us balance work and Katie. We are so thankful for their support this year. You all know that we do not have family immediately in the New York area but we are lucky to have family in Southern New Jersey who would always be here in case of emergency and friends locally who have evolved into friends who feel like family. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers or people in your “mom-tribe” bring those people into your circle of team work and thank them constantly.
• Make 20 copies of your key. Okay, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but we’ve had a few instances when we needed a spare key and were left high and dry. A year later, we’ve realized that the best option for us seems to be to have two spare keys in lock boxes, 3-4 close friends with a spare key, a spare key at our office and with our nanny. We also have realized that it would be very convenient to make a key chain for each sets of the parents or guests and have it in the spare bedroom to welcome them along with their towels and toiletries.
• Realize that everything is a phase. Every single aspect of Katie’s first year has been a phase – the newborn state, the sleepless nights, the colds, the teething, the clingy phase – you name it. Keeping this in mind for both the good things and tough things definitely help keep things in perspective and make you savor those chest naps, cuddles and smiles.
• Focus on what is best for OUR FAMILY, not others.  Parenthood is no different than the rest of life – it is easy to fall into the comparison trap. Over the past year I’ve actually found myself in a better place than before.  Every child is different and every parent and family is unique.
• You will never regret the time you spend with your child. Neither of us have regretted the time we’ve invested in Katie. Whether it’s rescheduling a social engagement, putting our phones and distractions away or delaying a morning workout for some extra play time or cuddles it has always been worth it.
• Find a babysitter sooner versus later. We have been able to enjoy one evening away each month to focus on our relationship and this would not be possible without a network of babysitters. It seems like most of my more experienced parent friends say that 3 reliable baby sitters is the magic number as inevitably a few of them will always be booked or have other plans when you text.  We found our baby sitters through friends and the local Brooklyn parent Facebook group.  Also, plan your date nights or time away in advance versus waiting for when you feel you need to get away. If you wait, it’ll often be too late and no one will be available.

I’ll be back later to share some pictures from the year as well as our birthday celebrations!

In the meantime, here are a few of the most popular posts about Katie this year:

• Birth Story
• Reflections on the First Week As A Mother
• Katie’s Six Week Update
• Katie’s Nine Month Update
• Introducing Solids