Back in July, I talked about how striving for healthy had left me exhausted over the past few years. What I didn’t realize at the time was that it wasn’t just the my training schedules and workouts that were leaving me exhausting and zapping my energy. Beyond this, it was the constant jam-packed professional, personal and blog calendar that I set for myself on a weekly basis. Since I wrote that post, I have made a concerted effort to think twice before making commitments. But sometimes, having the ability to say no is different than actually practicing it.
For years, I was the yes girl. Happy to be included and invited, I said yes to everything for fear of not being invited again in the future. The crazy thing, this was relevant for both professional, personal and blog commitments. Double booked? I didn’t let that become an issue. Instead, I would figure a way to make it to both commitments, even if that meant traveling across town just to say hi for a few minutes. I thought this effort and brief face time was better than declining. But, I found that I wasn’t able to be fully present. I was stressed, exhausted and burnt out from this cycle of over-commitment.
During August and September, I did a great job saying no thank you, rescheduling or reorganizing commitments so that I was allowed breathing room – those evenings each week to relax and invest in myself, family, friends, and Bo.
This week, as if to remind me to stay the course and learn an expensive lesson from my prior ways, I have “wasted” $350 on commitment costs. Some of these were booked as early as March, well ahead of the time I reached my tipping point. Guilty about “throwing money away” I considered keeping each event on my calendar. While I could physically attend each of them, I knew, deep down they wouldn’t bring me happiness, pleasure or fulfillment. This question may make me seem selfish or self-centered. But, I’ve found that by asking these questions before making commitments I create space in my life so that I am able to bring others happiness by fully engaging – whether during a coffee date, run, business meeting or girls weekend.
As I read this article, shared on Facebook by Liz Barnet, I released the guilt and changed my mindset. The sunk cost of these commitments was just a reinforcement and lesson in the opportunity cost of commuting too early and often. I need to focus on making fewer commitments or I will never change this habit I developed over the past ten years. Spending time and making plans with friends should be enjoyable, not something that causes stress. But, in today’s connected world, we have larger networks, as Kathryn Ebner pointed out in the article. I never understood why friends would say “I need to wait and see” when receiving an invite months in advance but now I get it. We can’t control family, work, and personal demands so if we fill all our “free time” months in advance we aren’t giving ourselves the freedom and flexibility to ebb and flow with life’s demands.
What are your thoughts on planning ahead? Do you over commit or under commit? As I continue to grow and evolve in this area, I would love your tips!
I can relate to this post so much. I’m the Yes girl. All. The. Time. I’ve been trying harder to say no to things and to allow more down time to recharge/regroup. For instance, my husband/I put a “hold” on this up bing wknd leaving we know we’ll just try and chill (whatever that means when you have 3 kids). But we’ll periodically go through the calendar and put “holds” on various wknds as to not overcommit ourselves.
I love this Dee Dee! It’s so important and I can imagine even moreso once you have kids!
I can relate to this post more than I care to admit! I’m a plan ahead, squeeze-everything-in-no-matter-what kind of girl and living in the “wait and see” definitely does not feel natural…But when the alternative means I’m constantly beating on exhaustion’s door and unable to truly enjoy all the “yeses,” learning to live in the gray is invaluable.
Thanks for the reminder, Ashley!
I’m so glad this resonated with you Laura! Hopefully we can all improve! 🙂
i struggle with this too. i am a yes person. i like being a yes person. but when i start to feel drained and overwhelmed, i know being a yes person isn’t really serving me. it’s a tight rope walk to find the balance that works for you, b/c its constantly changing.
I’ve learned long ago that it’s important for me to say no, since I always end up stressed and not very fun to be around if I feel “forced” to go somewhere because I said I would. Take care of yourself first, since no one else will. Then, let other people/activites/things into the space you’ve created for them, but don’t give them too much. Thanks for sharing!
Emily I wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago. 🙂 You’re light years ahead of me!
I was listening to a podcast yesterday and reading a post by a friend the day before that were both talking about the fact that you can’t always hustle, and I second that–the hustle is exhausting. Both trying to get work, and then trying to stay busy. Sometimes, we just need to realize that we aren’t going to regret being happy! And that busy doesn’t mean happy! Especially if being busy keeps us from doing ANYTHING well–that makes me more mad than anything!
Oh Susie do I agree! You’re right. The constant hustle is what has left me so exhausted. There is no time to breathe and enjoy because I’m always going from one thing to another. Thank you so much for these words!
You have to set boundaries and have a clear sense of your WHY. When someone asks stop, ask for time to check your schedule and then check with your WHY and boundaries. It really helps.
That is so smart Pamela, thank you for the tip!
After years of being a social butterfly and always doing something I am 100% team under commit. The older I get the more I value just a few important relationships with friends and those life long ones are the ones I strive to keep strong. Concurrently for most of us the older we get the more we advance career wise and the more pressure there is. I totally need alone time and me time to decompress and basically only have one “big” plan a week. I prioritize my family, boyfriend and then friends but really have no problem putting myself before all of that!
That makes total sense Gianna – congrats to making this change in your life and being able to prioritize whats most important.
Oh that opening quote is so good! And so true. I do over commit and have learned the hard way to stop doing that. Finally accepting I can’t do everything this year has been tough but so helpful. Giving it some thought before I agree to commitments helps as well (versus saying YES right away). Ensuring I have a few nights at home during the week and really prioritizing who I spend time with are also musts for me.
Thanks for the tips Danielle! One week in and I’m ALREADY feeling better!
I can absolutely relate to this, and I’m discovering more and more that I need to listen to my mind and body. I struggle with depression, so it’s a fine balance between being social and getting energized by seeing my friends and having fun, and totally burning myself out on social engagements. I WANT to say yes to everything and be there for everyone and do all the things, but I just can’t.
Congrats Catherine to hearing your body and listening to what you need. It seems like so many of us struggle with it!