Five years ago, I signed up and trained for my first marathon. The entire process was like a dream, pushing my body to do something I never fathomed I would be able to do. As we’ve talked about previously on the blog, I did not grow up an athlete nor a runner. In fact, while I spent a great deal of time outdoors growing up, I was only on a formal sports team four times in my life and each year I dreaded the physical fitness test mile run more than a doctor’s appointment or getting shots.
The 2010 New York City Marathon was a day that will forever remain in my brain, each mile still is imprinted and I could recap the entire race course experience to anyone today, even five years later. Each mile was a miracle as I pushed through the boroughs, taking in every single mile with a huge smile on my face.
Since then, I continued to sign up for one marathon each year. I had a different goal for each marathon, but primarily my hope for each was to improve my time. Five years and five marathons later, I have improved my time from my original 5:29 marathon but I’ve spent the past four years, finishing short of the goal I had in my mind. Completing a marathon, regardless the pace, will always be an accomplishment in my book. As someone said yesterday, moving 26.2 miles on one’s own two feet is something that most people never dream of doing, much less in 5 or so hours.
Therefore, when year after year, my body falls short of the goal I’m chasing, I finish the 26.2 miles with my head hanging lower than it was when I started the journey. At 30 years old, I do not have anything left to prove to myself when it comes to the marathon. I have successfully completed 5 at this point, I know that my mind and body are capable of accomplishing the distance. But, what I have also learned along the way, and unfortunately my friends and family as well, is that my body really does not enjoy the distance.
I am thankful and blessed to have suffered no physical injuries during five marathons but I have suffered one too many emotional injuries. Each year, somewhere between mile 15 and 22 the wheels come off. In most cases, it seems to be attributed to heat, which also explains why my best experience to date was the Philadelphia Marathon where it was below freezing at the start. As someone who sweats a great deal, I can’t seem to hydrate or take in enough fuel to overcome nausea, muscle cramps, or in yesterday’s case severe quad cramping and vomiting.
What started out as being something that I loved has grown to be something that makes me think less of myself. I beat myself up internally for not achieving a goal which based on my training runs, half marathon time and speed workouts seems achievable. I question the twelve to sixteen weeks of my life, dedicated to marathon training, trying to figure out where the process went wrong. I question the forty-eight hours leading up to the marathon, wondering what I should have or shouldn’t have eaten. I drive my husband, who is the most supportive and incredible marathon cheer leader and spectator, crazy with agony as he watches my self esteem diminish along the course.
I know that there are people who run marathons for fun and would tell me that I am too hard on myself and that every marathon won’t be a personal best. I know that the goal is to enjoy the miles and focus on the fact that each one is a gift. Trust me, yesterday during the toughest miles, these were my mantras. Every ounce in my body, especially in my legs, wanted to stop at mile 18.
But, after five years, I think that marathons and I are ready for a break. While I enjoy the training process, I’ve stopped enjoying the race day, which is unfortunate but true. There are too many other things in my life which bring me great joy to continue doing something which doesn’t make me happy. As I reflect upon this training cycle the things that I enjoyed most were my speed workouts and tempo runs. There is no question that I’ve become a faster runner in the past 12 weeks. I set a new half marathon PR and have set multiple unofficial 10k and 5k PRs during training runs and speed workouts.
Yesterday, though the Berlin Marathon was everything everyone promised – beautiful, flat, filled with amazing spectators, and a bit chaotic, I never enjoyed the race itself. For almost five hours I waited to find my groove and enjoy the experience only to finish without ever reaching that point. My happiest moment was chatting with fellow runners in the starting area, motivating one runner who was about to embark on her first marathon.
While sitting at dinner, a few hours later, a reader proved that they knew my running records better than myself, quickly making me realize that yesterday was 2 minutes short of a PR. As I sat there in tears, Bo asked me why I continue to put myself through this each year. Before last night, I had never truly thought about it. Maybe it’s because as a health and wellness blogger I am surrounded by so many incredible people who take on athletic feats each day. But, what I realized is that what was once a huge accomplishment had started to turn into just a habit that came around each year, choosing what the next fall marathon would be.
So for now, while I know the marathon and I may meet again one day, I’m ready to focus on other things such as triathlons and shorter distance races. The half marathon will always be my favorite distance and I would love nothing more than to enjoy a few, especially while combined with European travel to new cities with Bo or girlfriends.
Thank you for your support these past few years during the roller coaster of marathon emotions.
The marathon beast is tough! I completely know what you are talking about although I’ve only done one (with #2 and #3 coming up quickly). There’s just something about chasing that magical number that gets you sucked in. Congrats to you on realizing you need to a break. I’m sure your body will thank you! I’m so sorry you had a rough race.
Thank you Angela! You’re so right. I’m ready for my magical number to be number of hours slept, yoga classes or weight lifting right now 🙂
The fact that you’ve run a marathon is incredible & something so many people dream about. You should be incredibly be proud of remaining injury free for each one, as training takes a lot out of you. Keep your head up & always remember the people you meet, the success you feel @ the finish line & the overall experience race after race.
Thanks Jessie! I am definitely thankful for no injuries!
Thank you so much for this post. I am with you on the break from the marathon…honestly I don’t feel motivated to train or chase the goal I have for that distance. If you ever want to do any European halfs, PLEASE let me know!!! I am much more motivated to aim for shorter distances these days – let’s make it happen!
Congrats on your fifth marathon!
Coming from the ultra world, we rely on buffered electrolyte capsules (perhaps) above anything else apart from water. Many of our races are mid-summer. All day in the heat and humidity.
On the road side, when I was in Asia a few years ago and did the Borneo marathon, it was 90 degrees and tropical sticky by the end. I wasn’t able to find a running shop in HK with salt tabs before the race and all they had was Porcari Sweat (mostly complex sugar water) at aid stations! The only race photo is from the latter miles and appears as if I just smooched a dementor.
Succeed S-Caps are my and the general favorite. But Hammer, SaltStick, Nuun and GU all have solid products as well. Perhaps you’ve already been down this road, but if not, it might be a recipe for (marathon) relationship revival.
Happy trails.
Way to listen to yourself and respect your body and wishes enough to recognize what isn’t working. Our egos can often get in the way of our inner needs and peace. Congrats on your accomplishments. It sounds as though your starting down a whole new wonderful road.
It sounds like a break is just what you need. My last marathon was in 2012 and I haven’t missed the distance as much as I thought I would. Stick with the distances you enjoy for now and fall back in live with running all over again. Hugs!
I forgot that about you and reading this already makes me feel better! Thanks! ❤️
congrats on your 5th marathon!!! What an incredible accomplishment! Like you, I ran a marathon a year for 3 years. I then realised that I hated marathon training but LOVED half marathon training. I’ve spent the past 12 years only doing races shorter than a marathon and really fell back in love with running again. I’m running my first marathon in 12 years in 3 weeks from now but I’m doing this one completely for fun with no time goal. You really need to do what’s best for you. Good luck!
so so so so so wise.
the marathon will always be there if you change your mind.
I have no desire to run a marathon, and even the Half distance is 5K too long for me. Life is too short to make yourself miserable in the name of being “healthy” let alone for the sake of keeping up with other popular fitness bloggers. Find what you enjoy doing, and that enthusiasm will inspire others.
Good for you for taking a break and giving your body what it needs. A mental break from the goal-setting might be just what the doctor ordered!
This was easily the most inspiring post I’ve read on your blog. I love following your marathon journey each time you race, but I’ve stopped enjoying marathon training myself. I recently dropped down to the half marathon in Baltimore this October and I felt ashamed for doing so, which I realized was SO dumb. Who am I trying to impress? Crossing the finish line at any race, let alone a marathon, is more than most people do in their lifetimes and I think it’s amazing that you’ve completed as many as you have. You definitely don’t have anything to prove! Just keep having fun and we’ll keep reading about it. 🙂
Obviously we all respect your decision to do what makes you happy, and if marathon training and competition aren’t your thing, there is NOTHING wrong with that.
But I feel bad for you knowing that hydration/nutrition is limiting you. I, too, struggle in the heat, but have found that I do much better with a dilute sports drink like Osmo or Skratch. May be worth checking out for your half marathons and longer training runs, and if you have nutrition success with it there, maybe you’ll want to give the marathon another crack in a few years.
Or maybe not, and that’s ok, too.
I needed to read this today. With the Chicago Marathon less than 2 weeks away, the self doubt is creeping in. What I have found helps me is being part of a running club and running with them at least once a week. I am much more confident in my abilities because of the support of my ‘teammates’.
Ashley, you have nothing to prove. You have an extremely supportive family, fulfilling career, and have seen so much of the world. You are blessed!
Do what makes you happy! I think it’s awesome you did five marathons. You have nothing more to prove in your life. So, just focusing on the lower distances is just as great and powerful and motivating to someone like me.
i think you’re definitely making the right choice. the healthy living community can be motivating but it can also make it seem like you have to do certain things to ‘fit it’. gotta do what’s right for you!
I think it’s totally okay to take a break, especially after going after it so hard. I’m currently on a 2 year marathon break (still racing shorter distances) . . . . at a critical point right now to decide if a winter marathon is going to happen this year or not. I keep asking myself “why” would I be doing it . . . sometimes l don’t like my anwsers
I felt this way after TWO! You are great. I completely understand where you’re coming from post philly, which is a lesser degree since I only experienced that disappointment once. This is my second fall sans marathon and I’m slowly thinking I may miss it…maybe
I think you are putting yourself under too much pressure with your PR goal. First, it was great to achieve the marathon at all, then it was all about topping it. “faster”, “better”. As if you have control over it and you just need to try hard enough. If you ‘fail’ (don’t PR) it feels like a personal failure, like ‘not being able to figure it out or do it right’. — Race day becomes this symbol of challenge and struggle and failure. it is all very public and then there is the cardinal sin of comparing yourself to others (never a good idea 🙂 ).
The pressure you put on yourself makes you fight for your PR, instead of ease through it the run when you feel you have nothing to prove.
What would he the WORST that could happen if you never run ANY faster, and always have a ‘miserable’ marathon time? A time that does not look good compared to that of your buddies or marathon champions? Are you still proud of yourself? Do you still love yourself?
You still an a marathon.
Wow! Really well said 🙂
Thanks! Sometimes the words just come out easily, even pre-coffee!
Ashley! You motivate me every day. I love, love following along with your journey through life, including marathon training. I think you’re certainly making the right decision for yourself after some deep reflection. But please don’t think that you aren’t one of the “incredible people who take on athletic feats each day,” – you most definitely are! Also, how many other bloggers and friends have the same kind of job that you do? I didn’t notice anyone else from my blog feed/Instagram on the 40 under 40 list! You seem to balance it all very admirably! Just saying, this stranger thinks you’re pretty badass – I hope you know that you are! xo
And apparently, I can’t even spell my own name 🙂
Hey Ashley – I read your blog often but have never commented. I just wanted to say that you give me tons of inspiration as I am almost 2 years into my running “career”. I am a slower runner and your “journey” definitely gives me hope that I can get faster even if my fast is still very slow for a lot of people. NYC was supposed to be my 1st marathon but I have been injured and will not be able to run this year. I think finishing a marathon is a HUGE accomplishment no matter if it is fast or slow and I just hope to finish one marathon sometime soon. Just wanted to say WAY TO GO for running 5 marathons – I think that is awesome! I agree that I love the half marathon distance and see myself running halfs for a long time. I know it is easier said than done but no need to beat yourself up as you have finished more than most people in the world will ever do.
I totally can empathize with feeling disappointed in a race performance – I think the true athletic feat has been lots of amazing training runs and the self-discovery, not to mention the amazing scenery you get to train in. Keep on going – do your thing and HAVE FUN 🙂
This is a great post! You do you, girl. When it comes to fitness, don’t worry about anything other than your own happiness.
Personally, I’ve quit running altogether for good, and I’ve found I love strength training and outdoor biking. It’s been a fun shift, plus it’s a lot less time consuming 🙂
I think what you’ve accomplished is amazing. I can’t imagine doing one marathon much less 5. Keep your head up & congratulations on realizing a dream & when it’s time for a break. Enjoy it!
New marathon goal: labor
😉
Nope not time for labor but you’ll be one of the first to know when that time comes. I mean how many people have a friend who is a douhla?!
Lots and lots of love to you.
Congratulations on running 26.2 miles again. Congratulations on being honest that it’s not giving you what you hoped it would. That can be such a disappointing discovery (ahem, Augusta 70.3, ahem) but it’s really important.
You have nothing to prove internally or externally. Your body, your activities, your life is FOR YOU. Other people may validate a cute outfit or a speedy interval workout but they’re just responding to the joy with which you told us about it. Let that joy be your compass.
(I just became a newage person I am not completely comfortable with but I stand by it. <3)
I can certainly relate to many points here. I could never be one of those people who run marathons for fun without trying to better their time each race – I’mjust too competitive with myself. So I have only done 2 marathons because I’d like to do one every other year, giving myself a much needed mental and physical break during the off years, and time to pursue other race distances.
In terms of sweating, I also sweat A TON. My first marathon was awful because I was so dehydrated and lacking salt (I mean the salt was visible on my black shorts, like little mini piles of salt). Last year I ran NYCM again and did MUCH better thanks for S!Caps. Try them out perhaps they help you. It helped me stay level with electrolytes and not feel nauseous. I also threw up after my first marathon – it was just miserable.
I had to take a long break after NYCM last november. I just didn’t have the motivation to run, and hey that’s okay!! When you’re ready to tackle the marathon again you’ll know and you’ll do it.
Lady you are SO right. 5 (!!) marathons is a HUGE accomplishment, but if it’s something that doesn’t feel right to your body and hurts you emotionally, it’s time to give it a rest. I think new goals and shorter distances are a great idea…who knows maybe after some time off you will itch to get back to a marathon and totally kick your PR’s butt!!
Good for you for listening to your body and stopping when something isn’t fun. I’ve never run a marathon. Most of my friends and family have and they keep telling me I should, but my body doesn’t even like half marathons, so why would I do a full? I have nothing to prove, and like you said, neither do you. Just do what makes you happy! Sometimes a run without headphones or GPS or goals or a training plan is perfect.
Thanks Dana! You’re right! It’s time for me to just step back a bit and enjoy whether it’s yoga, body pump, running or skiing!
Life is full of new phases or ” the next phase.” We are so grateful that you are so smart to realize when it is that time for you! Praise the Lord you were never physically injured, but your emotional hurts make me cry. XOmimi
Thanks Mimi! I’m excited to enjoy this new phase 🙂
Oh, girl. This made me cry. I appreciate your honesty so much and I totally feel for you. It makes me so sad to read that you would finish marathons with your “head hanging lower than it was when I started the journey”. I think it’s admirable that you set such awesome goals and work hard to reach them. Still, I know the feeling. Sometimes I’ll talk to friends who aren’t as immersed in the running/fitness world and they’ll remind me how huge of an accomplishment it is run a marathon…or even a 5K! Dedicating yourself to your health (and going WELL above and beyond) is so incredible. You’re a 5X MARATHONER! So few people can say that. (Even though it sometimes seems like everyone around us is a super athlete.) I try to remind myself that it’s not always about times or speed, it’s about effort. Just remember that YOU are an incredible athlete. And friend. And blogger. And world-traveler. And obviously very good at your job, Ms. 40 under 40!
Anyway, sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. Do what you want for awhile and ENJOY it!
Good for you, Ashley. Knowing what your limits are is such a healthy trait. As a newer runner, I have been so inspired and yet so burdened by the online running community. (I’ve tried to start a blog twice now and can’t handle the pressure!) It seems that everyone is always running 50 mile weeks or 7 minute tempo runs. There just don’t seem to be many “mainstream” or “normal” running blogs that are celebrated. That is why I appreciate yours so much. You are a real person, with real running abilities (not super human), you have a real job (that isn’t fitness related) and your runs aren’t always the best they have ever been. This is extremely refreshing. Thanks for taking us along on your journey. Enjoy the half marathon distance, it’s still something that not everyone can do and the sense of accomplishment is still a stellar feeling.
i am running my second marathon in Chicago next month, and I’ve already said it will be my last for a while. It takes so much out of you, mentally and physically, and I don’t want to start to hate running because of it. I didn’t find my love of running until after I had kids and I’d love to keep it as something I love to do, rather than something I feel like I have to do. Do what you need to do in order to enjoy running because that’s the most important part, not the numbers on your PR board. ((hugs))
Thanks Ashley! I hope your Chicago experience is magical!!
I’m really struggling with saying the right thing here. I had a VERY similar experience this year. I trained HARD for a marathon back in May. I missed my A goal of sub 4 (it was a reach). I missed by B goal of sub 4:15 (this should have been accomplish-able. I as I came up with a C goal around mile 17 which was just to get a PR, even if only by seconds. Yep, I missed that too. I walked during mile 25 because I was just so ANGRY. I felt like I had wasted 18 weeks of tough training. I didn’t run a single other race this summer because I was so defeated. I declared that I was retiring from full marathons. This past weekend I went for my first double digit training run since marathon training. I realized if I didn’t register for “something” I wouldn’t make it a priority to run. I don’t love running all the time. But I find it’s a great way to maintain my weight. I kind of hated it when after finishing my big race so many people kept going on and on about how running 26.2 is this huge accomplishment. It didn’t feel that huge to me at the time. It just made me mad that people felt the need to remind me to be grateful for running a marathon.
Instead I was mourning the loss of missing all possible goals that would have made it worth it to me. So here I sit four months later. I’m slower. I question whether I will ever try to PR again. My PR is in the FIRST marathon I ever ran. What’s THAT about?? I was a newbie!! I didn’t train for speed, I trained to FINISH. So I guess my point to you is that it’s okay to mourn the loss of that goal you worked hard for. It’s okay to not want to jump in and run another. And I’m so sorry for you. I know what it feels like. Enjoy your recovery from the race. If there’s one thing I know for sure it’s like Marathons are like love. Every time you jump in you do so at the risk of heartbreak. Every. Time. And it’s okay to be pissed about that.
Girl this was just what I needed to read. Thank you and good luck getting your goal!
It sounds like you’re making a great choice. I’ve always felt like the half marathon distance really is the perfect one. It’s long, but not so long that it wrecks your body or requires day in and day out dedication during the training plan. And like you said, you can always come back to the marathon in the future if your heart desires.
Just remember that many, many people never run one marathon so you have gone way beyond that and clearly have worked hard to finish those marathons. Onward and upward!
Thanks Lauren! You’re so right – onward and upward!!
I’m always so impressed with how hard you try and how much you care about all of your races. I think your really hard on yourself and demand perfection, which has brought you great things in your career, but you can’t beat yourself up about every race. Your half marathon PR Is something I’ll likely never achieve, so feel proud! You’re always inspiring and I’m happy you realize you are amazing just the way you are 🙂
It can definitely be hard to step away from lure of the marathon, especially when the running world and particularly the blogging world seem to be constantly raving about them. But I think it’s always good to re-evaluate the situation and try the activities that best support your life and passion at that time. And maybe shorter distances (and being incorporate shorter races into travel weekends) is the right fit for now 🙂
You’re so right C! I’m excited to just enjoy running and working out right now 🙂
BRAVO. Not only for completing the race but for everything else about this post. Marathons are HARD – mentally, physically, emotionally, and no matter how hard you train or how perfectly a training cycle goes, race day is a complete crap-shoot. It could go your way or it may not. I did two fulls and then took this year off to focus on other aspects of fitness and it’s been really, really nice. I understand the feeling of loss/anger/disappointment that you have. I’ve been there. The “If I had just pushed it a little harder HERE or if I hadn’t done that THERE, I would have had it”. And all the time you spent working towards the goal. So you missed this goal. My advice would be to not beat a dead horse, and to not fixate on it. Give it the proper thought it deserves then set a new goal. (Liiiike – a race of any distance in as many countries as you can make it to in a year – and then sample the local food and drink!) One that you haven’t been after before. And put your full self into achieving that. If I’ve learned anything about you it’s that you give everything to achieving something and that in and of itself is inspiring and motivating.
Thanks Kristine! I am so thankful I typed that post yesterday morning as I’ve felt 10000x better since then. It was very cathartic. 🙂 I like your alternate idea and yes, I will not stop racing or running I’m just going to enjoy shorter distances!
I think that when it stops being fun and, like you said, it become something that you feel like you should do rather than something that you want to do – it’s a good time to take a break. I totally get this and the frustration. I know that saying you should be proud, etc. won’t offer a whole lot of comfort (although you should be proud and congratulations on 5 marathons!!) and I understand the disappointment. Marathons are hard on so many levels from training to the race day and everything in-between. But being able to step back with this perspective and realize that you need a break rather than scheduling the next race is a huge strength.
Thank you Christine! Your posts about intention and thinking about the journey have really helped me come to this conclusion!
Sending you hugs, Ash. Five marathons is 131 miles, not to mention the probably 1000+ miles you’ve run training for them. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself. I completely relate to that burned out feeling, and it’s been great for me to take a real break from training and just enjoy running. At least you’re in a beautiful place for running! 🙂
Thanks Jen! You’re so right and I know it’s silly to think I need to prove something. I am excited to enjoy some trail runs and shorter races. Hope you’re loving California life thus far!
In 10 years I bet no one will remember if you ever beat your own PR or maybe even what your PR was. But they will remember your passion, determination, commitment, intelligence, focus and strength – at least that’s what I always remember. So many people are proud of you. This must have been such a difficult and painful decision to make, but there is NO shame in choosing to do what is best for you. My heart hurts to think of you beating yourself up and being in emotional pain. Xxxx
You’re right Mer in the grand scheme of things. Thanks for the sweet words! ❤️
You are wise in knowing when to say when. None of us has anything to prove and if it doesn’t bring you joy then why do it? I’ve been feeling this way for some time…..but holding out for NYCM in little more than a month. It was your first and may very well be my last. : )
Thanks Marcia! I hope you love NYCM!
This is exactly how I feed about marathons. I’ve done 3 now and they have never gone as well as I hoped. My half times kept improving but I always got so frustrated with marathons as I always had problems on the day I did London in 2013 and I’m in no rush to do another. My favourite though was NYC. I’m sticking with shorter runs for now. I can’t commit to training for a marathon anymore, I had a baby 3 months ago. Even training for a half isn’t possible at the moment but I know I’ll be back running them again soon. I may never do a marathon again and I’m not happy with any times that I got but I did 3 and I’m proud of that.
Thanks Anne! I can’t imagine training with a new born! 🙂 I was thinking about doing London while I live over here but after this weekend I just want a break for at least a year!
I think you’re amazing for running marathons at all! Don’t beat yourself up over your decision to listen to your body. The fact that you’ve completed five marathons is absolutely incredible. I’m sorry that you didn’t enjoy your last race. Sometimes things we love can just get too stressful if we put too much pressure on ourselves. I think a step back from the bigger races will do you good. Take care of yourself!